CHAPTER THE SEVENTH

This fan sign made my day

In Mga saloobin nang aking pusong muling nangangarap on Disyembre 4, 2016 at 8:49 hapon

this-photo-made-my-day

Sad, I guess, is not the right word to describe how I’ve been feeling again lately. “Blue” doesn’t even come close. Definitely hindi rin “Depressed“! It’s a lower kind of sadness that seems to be eating me up inside again. But not that kind of Loneliness that has plagued me so horribly before. Infact and in all fairness, I could say that my heart and my mind have never been so peaceful now in comparison to the years in the past. Ito na nga, kung tutuusin, yung pinaka tahimik na taon ko, so far!

So, how do I feel exactly? Okay, I guess, I could say that I feel: “A Little Down“. Let’s settle with that. And why do I feel as such? I guess I feel down kasi marami akong mga gustong gawin pero hindi ko masimulan kasi maraming hadlang. Budget and Resources goes on top of the list. Hindi ako agad agad makakilos kasi kapos sa salapi! May mga maliliit na bagay akong nais bilhin pero kulang ang kuwalta! Ang saklap!

Tulad na lang last Monday. Pumunta ako sa Best Diagnostics sa Masikap Street sa likod ng Quezon City Hall sa Diliman. On the way, nadaanan ko ang Shammy Goto House. Gustong gusto kong kumain pero hindi ko magawa kasi hanghihinayang ako sa pera! Naisip kong may food naman sa bahay kaya bakit pa ako kakain sa labas. Naisip kong ilalaan ko na lang sa pambili nang gamot kung anong kakarampot na salapi na meron ako. Yung tipong ganun! That’s just one example. Hikahos talaga! Hindi tulad dati noong empleyado pa ako na kayang kaya kong kumain nang miski anong gusto ko, sa miski anong oras!

Then, of course worry ko din ang aking Health. Now that I have to be with people again sooner, ang tanong is: “Kakayanin pa ba kaya ito nang aking kalusugan“? I honestly do hope so! Sana kaya ko pa! Sana sapat na yung halos isang taon kong ipinahinga!

Maganda na nga sana yung ideya na dito na lang ako sa bahay mag trabaho! Kaya lamang, hindi umubra yung Homebased Job ko so I need to find a stable employment again! Walang choice! Hindi puwedeng umaasa lang ako habambuhay sa mga tao sa paligid ko! Although alam kong kapag humingi naman ako ay hindi naman sila mag aatubiling magbigay. Pero, nakakahiya na rin! Try ko munang mangamuhan muli!

Actually, my mind has been debating a lot recently din. If I do get the chance to work with people again, paano ko kaya maiiwasang hindi gawing concern ang mga drama sa buhay nang mga tao sa aking paligid? How do I avoid getting so involved with other people’s story again? Anong diskarte ang gagawin ko para hindi maapektuhan nang mga attitude nang mga tao sa aking paligid? How can I live with the system? Yan kasi ang aking weakness! I always find myself going against the system and being part of the thorny story! It’s either patulan ko ang asal nang mga tao sa aking paligid at malagay sa alanganin, or hindi na lang pansinin at layasan na lang para makaiwas sa gulo! Parating at one end of the pole ang mga reaction ko sa mga kaganapan. Hindi balanced! Walang gitna!

Isa pang tanong sa aking isip is: “Kaya ko pa kayang magpuyat?” Obviously kasi, ang makukuha ko lang na trabaho sa panahong ito ay sa Call Center! Madalang naman ang Day job. Merong Job Opening sa isang BPO na malapit lang dito sa bahay pero I’m sure Graveyard ulit yun! Kakagatin ko na rin diba? Ending, puyatan ulit! I will deprive myself of sleep again. Buti sana kung pagdating dito sa bahay eh makaka asa ako na tahimik ang paligid at makakapag pahinga ako nang dire-diretso! Kaya lang, that’s not the case!

So, these are the reasons why I feel a little down again. But I know that I just have to shrug all these off. I can’t allow Sadness to dwell in my heart once more. I want to get rid of negativity! Dapat positive lang! Dapat move on lang! Dapat masaya lang! I will continue living again. I will beat the odds! I will be realistic! I will prove them wrong!

Most importantly, I will focus on the people who still believes and supports me! People who still remembers. People who matters. People like James Oliver Mora who surprised me this afternoon with this photo of UAAP Season 78 Men’s Volleyball Rookie of the Year and NU’s very own James Martin Natividad.

Surely, I even forgot that I was feeling a little down. This fan sign made my day!

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